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Since the launch of the internet in 1983, it has grown exponentially that everything can be found on the internet including love. In today’s world with apps such as Tinder, Bumbles, Grindr, Baboo, Hinge, OkCupid, and the list goes on… finding love has been easier or what it’seems like.

One could argue that dating apps haven’t ruined love with multiple success stories of users finding love, soul mates, friendship, and more on these apps. A research done by Pew Research found that 20% of committed relationships began online in this present era. But for every success story, there are countless horrendous stories to follow.

There are lots of factors that go into loving someone that dating apps and online dating doesn’t present. These missing factors might be partly the reason why most people feel like online dating has ruined relationships and love as a whole.

How dating apps and online dating ruined love and relationship

Self-esteem

Dating apps damages self-esteem and possible self-worth. Signing up to a dating app seems fun in the sense that you are giving yourself a wide range of chances for potential sponges. After a period of time without getting a match, you would feel more alone which brings doubts about your self-esteem and self-worth. These could potentially destroy your self-worth which could affect future relationships.

Trust

Trust is one of the fundamentals of a successful relationship. One can’t simply trust a person just because they swipe right. This trust might never be fully gained even after establishing a relationship with a partner you met through a dating app. Trust takes time to build up. Hence, if you can’t fully trust a person then the relationship is bound to fail and true love won’t be established.

Hidden identiy

Dating apps gives everyone a clean slate. Anybody can have a fresh start with a potential partner which sounds totally good on paper. Under a closer look, it’s not. Not knowing anything about a person you plan on having a relationship with, is risky. The information known to you is only the ones provided by the individual. You would need to develop a six sense to know what’s the truth and isn’t.

Before the internet era, people often got into a relationship with the people that are familiar with such as family friends, college friends and so on. This helped individuals have a better understanding of a potential partner. There are people that could be questioned to find out more about the individual. This help to establish trust and love which dating apps lack

Failed connection

More numbers don’t equal more success. Having more chances of finding a partner with a dating app doesn’t mean that you would. Dating apps rightful so increases your chances but with each chance comes a failed connection. You could be moving at a fast pace while your match is moving at a slower pace versa visa. In the end, it feels like you are forced to connect with a match. You could be ghosted at any moment making heartbreaks a frequent reoccurrence.

Unknown intentions

When you are dating app, you have your reason to be there. Love and relationship could be the primary reason but that might not be others’ intention. Getting a match doesn’t mean that your intent aligns with theirs. More often than not reviling your intentions to a match could result in a quick ghosting.

Other might not be forward their intention and ride the wave. A connect might be establish but if the intention isn’t establish the relationship is bond to fail as it lacks another fundamentals of love in it’s build up.

Price on love

It’s no secret that dating apps are expensive to use with microtransaction and subscription plans placed by developers. To see your match would require you to spend some cash else you might have to swipe forever to find the match.

Dating app doesn’t put a price on love but rather you pay to find love. Love is free and shouldn’t be paid for. To conclude, dating apps haven’t ruined relationships and love per se but it hasn’t made finding love easier as popularized.

These three terms are usually interchanged even though they don’t define precisely the same things. So what is the difference between racism, bigotry, and prejudice?

Prejudice is judging people or reserving attitudes towards a certain social group without any rational basis. When somebody pre-judges a person using an already constructed stereotype of the person’s social group which they know little else about, then they are being prejudiced. Prejudices could be positive or negative. For example, if you believe tall guys are smarter, you in effect believe short guys are dumb.

Bigotry is a kind of narrow-minded belief is strongly held attitudes and values, especially when they propagate discriminatory behavior against a certain social group. For example, if you believe short guys are dumb without manifesting any discriminatory behavior towards them because of that, then you cannot be a bigot. A bigot—who would have to be tall and believe narrow-mindedly in his own smartness— is apt to take their prejudice a step further to demean, humiliate, and embarrass, any other person lower on the smart totem pole than he is. Some would say Donald Trump is a bigot.  

Racism, a common word is thrown about in the media these days. When pre-judgments are made about a certain race and are used to discriminate against them, then that is racism. And when these discriminations become the basis for limiting the group’s political, social, and economic rights, then you have systemic racism. That is, the racial discrimination has been fully normalized, propagated, and is being constantly reproduced by the system so that the discriminated group can do almost nothing to rise above its low station since the basis for its position is equated inherently with its undeniable origins.

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Some minority groups in America hold certain values contrary to the mainstream, like the conservative Pennsylvanian American-Amish, say, or the alt-right movement. If these decide to condemn their beliefs and join up with the conventional herd, there’s nothing to stop them from accessing resources equally with the rest of the American people. But a black man cannot decide to stop being black for the same reason. His blackness is a visibly inherited testament to his place in society.

It was until after the vulnerable blacks became slaves to the Americans, that the whites brought themselves to believe—without any rational basis—that the black man had to be something relatively dumb and sub-human, and that they themselves were by nature the superior race. Then came the civil war when the blacks were liberated from slavery and given all sorts of unfulfilled promises of property and political rights. Then came the post-Reconstruction era when Jim Crow was effected on the basis of racial segregation. And then came King and his civil rights movement and the political liberation of the black minorities. Yet at this time psychological scientific theories founded on conducted intelligence tests were floating about, propounding the natural dumbness of the black man, and the need to limit their retarded numbers in the delicate dealings of State.

But how did a black man expand his mind on certain matters when he hadn’t the choice to pick out a home in a decent neighborhood that fostered adequate learning, or the wherewithal to see himself through school? How did such a man hold any interest in affairs larger than himself, when he struggled night and day from dirt-paying jobs when he had little options in a country that denied him access to economic rights and so pushed him to make illicit trades just to keep alive?

Then the system comes along and calls him a drug-dealing low-life criminal, sending out killers in police uniform to rid the streets of the hoodlum. And if the system is called to it, there is vehement denial at the fore, edicts, and citations that prove that there is indeed equal access to opportunities for all, that the Black Lives Matters movement is just a big victim-playing hoax, while behind there still stands in-group partiality for the prevailing social group.

It is little wonder that James Baldwin had said about Luther’s budding success, that “You know, and I know, that the country is celebrating one hundred years of freedom one hundred years too soon.”

Almost forty years since Baldwin’s speech, and we still clearly attest to indiscriminate police brutality against blacks and unlawful accusations of rape, murder, and assault like in the Jim Crow days.

It can only do to hope for now that—come the next sixty years— Baldwin’s words should turn out to be mere speculations of a celebrated essayist in a fervent moment of epistolary scripting.        

Many people, especially those living in low-resource countries, want the opportunity to study abroad. When I was in high school, the most common countries people wanted to study in were the United Kingdom, the United States, and Canada. These countries have world-renowned institutions and are also English-speaking. The occasional adventurous student would look into France or Germany, but for the most part, these three countries topped the charts.

However, when it comes to studying in the U.S., people aren’t asking themselves all the right questions. By the time they get here, they are left in a difficult rut to come out from. So today, I will be sharing with you some questions that you should be asking to figure out if studying in the U.S. is right for you. Please note that these questions can be applied to studying abroad in general.

What course do I want to study?

Many U.S. universities offer a wide range of courses. One thing I love about the education system is the ability to change your course after being admitted. The flexibility in course selection is amazing. However, many professional courses are not offered at an undergraduate level. What do I mean? Courses such as medicine, law, physical therapy, etc are post-graduate level courses. You already have to complete a first degree (usually within the U.S.) before pursuing them. This means that a lot of resources will be dedicated to pursuing such degrees. Other professions such as therapists require at least a graduate level degree to even be licensed. If you want to pursue any of such degrees straight up, you may need to reconsider coming to the U.S.

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Where do I want to end up after school?

This goes hand in hand with choosing your course. A degree may apply in the U.S, but may not be applicable in your home country. Take for example, physician assistants. This is a well-recognized profession in the United States, but many countries do not accredit them. If staying in the U.S is not part of your long-term goal, you need to be careful about studying a course that wouldn’t be applicable in the country you wish to live.

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Am I looking for a path to citizenship?

Some international students come to the U.S. with the intention of going back home after their studies, while others do not. If your plan is to live and work in the U.S., you need to start familiarizing yourself with the various paths to citizenship. Certain fields such as engineering and healthcare have better chances with H1B visas (a type of work permit which has at the time of writing been halted by President Trump). As well, immigration in the U.S. is constantly changing depending on the presidency. If remaining in your country of study is very important to you, I would suggest starting now to research various options. I would also suggest looking up more countries with friendly immigration policies for international students.

Do I have a family and other dependents?

If you are the breadwinner of your family, this is very important. International students are only allowed to work on campus, not more than 20 hours a week. It is very difficult to sustain a family on such an income. Depending on the type of visa that your dependents are on, they may not be able to work at all in the United States. You also need to show proof that you can care for your dependents before being issued a visa. If the limited ability to work will affect your family, you may need to consider schooling in a different country that allows off-campus work opportunities.

How much am I willing to spend?

More money talks. International students are not always aware of how they can cut costs while schooling abroad. Options exist such as attending community college, going to state schools, scholarships, and grants, etc. I suggest looking into these options and contacting your school’s financial aid office for more information. As well, various countries have programs where they send their citizens to study in the U.S. in return for service for a number of years. That may be something to look into. whatever it is, you want to be able to cover your expenses. It’s one thing to be broke, it’s another thing to be broke on foreign soil.

Well, that’s all I have today. Please let me know if I am missing out on anything else in the comment section. Check out my other posts on Adabekee.

Viewing happiness as a Nigerian

I did some surveys on twitter to understand how most Nigerians view happiness. I came to a few conclusions.

Nigerians mostly view happiness as social status, reaching a certain place in life, having a lot of money if not more, being able to afford anything and the list keeps ongoing.

A few questions people had difficulty or inconclusive answers to were as follows:

Can you be happy all the time?

Let’s say you attain the social status you craved, now what?

Can money buy happiness?

What does happiness mean to you?

Before we go into the details explaining what happiness is, let look at what isn’t happiness for a better understanding.

“Happiness is like butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”

Henry david thoreau

Happy isn’t a state of mind

It’s believed that every individual has a level of happiness. Psychologists refer to it as a set-point theory of happiness. It varies for each individual based on the environment that they grew up and the life experiences they have had so far in life.

Most at times when you receive a salary alert/twitter giveaway alert, news of your loved one putting to bed, gift and so on, you would feel a level of increase in your current state of happiness. After some period of time, it returns back to it’s set point.

Equally the same when you received news of losing a loved one, your level of happiness decreased, creating a sad feeling. After a certain period, it returns back to it’s set point.

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Does more money mean happiness?

“Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

During my survey on twitter, most Nigerians if not all agreed that money is their source of happiness. A lot of Nigerian live below the poverty line which makes it hard to be happy.

For freelancers and entrepreneurs, the process of earning money gives them happiness rather than the money itself.

According to thriveglobal.com, researchers found that having more money directly increases life satisfaction. Nevertheless, after a certain period of time, the impact it has on happiness diminishes. And those with little money felt happier with increased earning.

Yet, money is needed to maintain the level of happiness(set point theory of happiness) or to keep it afloat.

What does happiness mean to you?

“Happiness is being contented with what you have, living in freedom and liberty, having a good family life, and good friends.”

Divyanka Tripathi

In Nigeria, people live with lots of expectations, either from people or themselves. Life isn’t a destination but rather a day to day journey.

Carrying a lot in the heart weights down your happiness and can disrupt chemical imbalance which could lead to depression.

Happiness is the ability to overcome negative emotions, seeing positive in the worst scenario. The ability to connect and affect others positively. A sense of well-being, joy, or contentment.

Your happiness simply means how contented you are with your life, how you interact with your family and friends. How you allow your day to day affects you.